tulikomento
Supreme Leader
Mies luki lehteä. Vaimo käveli ohi mustissa sexyissä alusvaatteissa. Mies katsoi ja kysyi: Onko meillä suruaika? Siihen vaimo vastasi: Joo, meillä on kuollut mulkku talossa.
Viimeksi muokattu:
Päivän vitsi
- Viestiketjun aloittaja AKE-ukki
- Aloitus PVM
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached
the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"No ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action"
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"
"No ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action"
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955!"
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
Laitetaan perjantain kunniaksi vielä yksi.
An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”
The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says good bye.
A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, “I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?” The man says, “We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA.”
An elderly man and woman, both in their 70's, walk into a sex therapist's office. The doctor asks, “What can I do for you?”
The man says, “Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?”
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice, that he agrees. When the couple finishes, the doctor says, “There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.” He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says good bye.
A week later the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens several weeks in a row. The couple make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, “I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?” The man says, “We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £98. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and I get £43 back from BUPA.”
Työhaastattelu on sitten takana. Viiden hengen raati. Oli tiukkoja kysymyksiä.
- "Mitä TOI täällä tekee?"
- "Onko tämä joku vitsi?"
- "Ootsä varmasti ihan oikeessa paikassa?"
- "Onko tuolta pakko kysyä mitään?"
- "Voitasko sopia, että istut vaan ihan hiljaa tämän puolituntia ja lähdet sitten ihan asiallisesti pois?"
Kuulema huhtikuun puolivälissä voi odottaa tuloksia.
- "Mitä TOI täällä tekee?"
- "Onko tämä joku vitsi?"
- "Ootsä varmasti ihan oikeessa paikassa?"
- "Onko tuolta pakko kysyä mitään?"
- "Voitasko sopia, että istut vaan ihan hiljaa tämän puolituntia ja lähdet sitten ihan asiallisesti pois?"
Kuulema huhtikuun puolivälissä voi odottaa tuloksia.
(TÄMÄ ON IHAN TOSI JUTTU)
Työkaveri tekee kuivalihaa joka vuosi n. 80 kg naudan sydäntä. Osan syö itse, osa menee muualla opiskeleville lapsille ja osa menee myyntiin.
Kyseinen työkaveri on semiautistinen introvertti, joka huolehtii ulkonäöstään juuri sen verran, että saa liikkua vapaalla jalalla.
Joten aina kun joku naispuolisista kollegoista ostaa häneltä kuivalihaa, huikautan sen vanhan vitsin, eli "Jo vain sie saa miulta kuivaa lihhaa, jos sie annat märkää lihhaa!"
Työkaveri tekee kuivalihaa joka vuosi n. 80 kg naudan sydäntä. Osan syö itse, osa menee muualla opiskeleville lapsille ja osa menee myyntiin.
Kyseinen työkaveri on semiautistinen introvertti, joka huolehtii ulkonäöstään juuri sen verran, että saa liikkua vapaalla jalalla.
Joten aina kun joku naispuolisista kollegoista ostaa häneltä kuivalihaa, huikautan sen vanhan vitsin, eli "Jo vain sie saa miulta kuivaa lihhaa, jos sie annat märkää lihhaa!"
Nasima, miten nimesi lausutaan? Kun kreikkalainen Persephone muutti Suomeen, kielenopettaja nauroi hänen nimelleen
Suomessa on yhä enemmän ihmisiä, joiden nimen lausuminen ja kirjoittaminen ei onnistukaan tuosta vaan. Mitä vierasperäisten nimien kantajat tästä ajattelevat? Keskustele aiheesta.
yle.fi
Ootappas kun Persepuhelimelle selviää mikä on pillupuhelin....
Eli miten määritellä Metallimusiikin eri genret:
This is the situation: There is a beautiful princess trapped in a castle guarded by a dragon. Here is the end of the story with different kind of metalheads as knights.
* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.
FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.
* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
* BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.
* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.
* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.
* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.
* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
This is the situation: There is a beautiful princess trapped in a castle guarded by a dragon. Here is the end of the story with different kind of metalheads as knights.
* POWER METAL
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
* THRASH METAL
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
* HEAVY METAL
The protagonist arrives on a harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.
FOLK METAL
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing acordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls asleep (because of all the dancing). Then all leave........ without the princess.
* VIKING METAL
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
* DEATH METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
* BLACK METAL
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomizes the princess, drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.
* GORE METAL
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads his guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.
* DOOM METAL
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
* PROGRESSIVE METAL
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives to the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year of the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the 'HEAVY METAL' protagonist.
* GLAM METAL
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink colour.
* NU METAL
The protagonist arrives in a run down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
D
Deleted member 1262
Guest
Sinne jäi sano spitaalinen, kun naimaan pääsi,,,,,,räääh kjeh.
tulikomento
Supreme Leader
Tuossapa erään palstaveljen kertomuksesta tuli mieleen, että serkkuni kävi lääkärillä, jolla oli sekä hyvää että huonoa kerrottavanaan.
Huonoa oli, että serkullani oli luuydin syöpä, jota ei voi parantaa.
Hyvää oli, että lääkäri oli päässyt naimaan isotissistä vastaanottoapulaista.
Kahdesti!
Huonoa oli, että serkullani oli luuydin syöpä, jota ei voi parantaa.
Hyvää oli, että lääkäri oli päässyt naimaan isotissistä vastaanottoapulaista.
Kahdesti!
tulikomento
Supreme Leader
Navy unable to locate clitoral combat ship
NORFOLK — The U.S. Navy has been thus far unable to locate its newest clitoral combat ship, the USS Bean, which went missing sometime in the past week, a spokesman confirmed today. The Navy was responding to anonymous reports of the ship being misplaced somewhere in the Atlantic while on a...
www.duffelblog.com
NORFOLK — The U.S. Navy has been thus far unable to locate its newest clitoral combat ship, the USS Bean, which went missing sometime in the past week, a spokesman confirmed today.
The Navy was responding to anonymous reports of the ship being misplaced somewhere in the Atlantic while on a shakedown cruise to the Canary Islands.
The Bean is a “Type C” Littoral Combat Ship, meaning it has been upgraded with defensive megawatt anti-air laser emitters. The upgrades include a vibration function that helps the clitoral ship get off to a good start and enables a smooth entrance for large equipment. Navy insiders and defense analysts call the new type of ship the “clitoral” class.
“It’s not uncommon for a ship’s network connectivity to go down due to a variety of reasons,” said Lt. Cmdr. Peter Fallow, “which could include maintenance, weather, operator error, or what-have-you. We are obviously aware of its continued existence but are unable to locate it at this time.”
The laser emitter upgrade, according to defense experts, has made the clitoral ships safer, but due to crossover with transmitters and power sources, sometimes makes them hard to find.
“It’s hard to keep the clitorals under your thumb,” Fallow added. “But we’re going to lick this problem, I can guarantee you that.”
Ensign Butch Coolidge, a navigation officer stationed at Norfolk, confirmed that clitorals are notoriously hard to locate.
“Oh yeah,” said Coolidge, “we don’t publicize it much, but these ships drop off the radar all the time. We don’t panic about it until they’ve been out of contact for over 72 hours. Right now, the bigwigs are probably just waiting for the boat not to make its scheduled arrival at Grand Canary.”
“We have a search protocol,” said Command Master Chief James Cole. “After the allotted wait time to allow the Bean to make contact, we send out planes and other boats. They go in tiny circles until the job is done. No big deal.
“You should see how many problems we have finding the G-class,” Cole added.
Reports from President Trump’s twitter account that the Chinese Navy had sunk the vessel are unconfirmed at this time. The President did say, however, that the ship would be located with all speed and vigor.
“WE WILL GRAB THIS SHIP BY THE RADAR,” Trump tweeted. “CANT BELIEVE A CLITORAL WAS LOST. SAD!”
In other naval news, a little man in a boat is feared lost after losing contact with shore radiomen at Naval Submarine Base Kings Bay, Georgia.
Lee Ho Fuk, She-Ra, and Jake Slager also contributed reporting to this article.